Sunday, February 26, 2006

Needing to chill out yesterday: I turned the radio on, I can pick up many stations now...and heard a newsflash...head of so and so is released despite two counts of Racial Hatred:

"That f*(&*( N^%i shit! I'm gonna stab him in the neck!!!"

No, I won't though, you Britons know who I'm talking about surely? I immediately called my social worker, thinking why? Told her I'd 'just heard the news' that, ' I'm getting a job, as a cleaner', 'Oh! You have a job? Great! ' 'No, but I'll probably get the job, er I forget why I called just to let you know that....'

Eejit...

Meanwhile, sketching and sketching, bought another pad because the pad Iwas left with was a lined writing pad, but ya know didn't I once see a whole exhibition by someone in the Tate Mdern gallery, that was about dreams etc. and was also sketches on lined paper, a whole room full which I was also doing at the time due to lack of money... Brings me Joy to see Art...yip.

I failed my 'examination with ze doctor', he prescribed anti-depressants as well as current medication...I thought the only reason I'm creating is because I am depressed and I told him, I'm writing but I don't think my poetry is very good.

'Self-Esteem issues'

'No, Perfectionism'.

...and told him everything about the burnt down house, and events thereafter which was getting me depressed, Poolio still won't get my books back or pay garage rent...appeals to go through with, which made me shout and cry, at the parents...and I mistakenly had been paying rent for the burnt down house...which Dad switched over, but I have more to pay...

Well, sat down read through the leaflet, gives panic attacks in the first week...so, not a good idea...

Meanwhile...this country is sinking according to Scientists...;-/

I'm sketching images but no, of course no images of the Prophet...just a whole burst of everything that inspires me in everyday life, including anger and love...(yeah yeah, I know, If you had any...)

Or, rather 'the state of the small world'...

Plus, found some new tunes, not telling you what they are though...someone write why not?

because...

we are all equals

Beginning

Sunday, February 26, 2006
Report Number One

So, whilst listening to the choir of Africa, which I think Innuit Ghost enjoyed, as though I could handle, to either hear, her, or the man upstairs...I positioned my mind into clearance, operation back to Ein Sof...whilst heating up bacon and mushroom pizza...I immediately went back to the music and turned it off, and then went outside at 11 at night, to try and buy some cigarettes...

The Drowning...I got back from an undelightful night, though have now contact, with two previous strangers...the 'gig' was...the thing is, the cellar got flooded, and the whole place stank of egg...

Went to the E-Trance Music pub...unfortunately, whilst in 'company' of a singer and othjers, singer of band whom I will not mention...Mother Duh, called, and I went into toilets to talk, unfortunately got into the line of sight of an rancid old lady who proceeded to screech at me...there was a conference, the words of which I have no recollection with two gentlewoman, one rather mature of age, the other the same age as me, dressed in a beautiful look of faded, pink dress...thought wow! you look great, but did not say so, and staggered away from pub, and others...

Kicked a hole in my bathroom door, two holes, cried in the lift for unknown and known reasons, laid down on bathroom floor crying...

Yesterday or last night, I can't remember, in all the stinking mess of my house, in which I have neither been offered a mop or any words of value from parents...(Friday night before 'gig'...I was given steak and barely cooked chips ate these alone whilst, Father played poker on computer, 'bloody goyim' food...thought quietly, threw fork, quietly across room, threw knife...proceeded to pig out on salad and then spit it on the dog's cage...boiled water, poured the water onto newly filled bowl of sugar, accidently spilt water in the toaster, put toaster on...did not blow up...got a mop and cleaned up the sugar which had been thrown on the floor...Father threatens me, in my face, am neither scared nor heart beating, he makes strange gestures, think at the time, if he does anything else, will cooly punch him in the face, he goes back to playing poker, I talk calmly and get more water with which to clean up the sticky sugar on the floor...

Have drunkenly written down my visions in a little book...cannot write of them properly, but have made a few sketches...

Ran the bath, (have also called Pool, asking him to beat up man upstairs, and he also sadi he will beat up Ed, with whom I had a conversation with on MSN which I unfortunately did not save...he is a sicko...end of him)

Drowning in the bath, worry about having a bath in such close quarters to neighbour, decided to only wash my feet, get into bath fully clothed, twist round and bury my face in water...can't do it, decide to fall asleep in the bath, run more water, wash and die....

No else gives a shit about this, have no time for anyone...

Will seek to join religious community, in order to get money...

Mongolian looking Russian bouncers, have suggested I get a job in Manchester, thought of that before, but would probably die...hey just work some white+power+magic+practical in the beautiful north...

Will leave for Spain as soon as possible...without paying rent, have invited Innuit Ghost issue 2, have even told her I would pay for the flight, well, really just discussed the idea out loud...

After all this I can wait, get someone to help clean the flat, and then get on with creating images...

List 2: will need to discuss with a Guru+Rabbi+Priest, what the heck is going on? tart+kooper+help...

Envisioned the word Tulha, last night...googled it...Portugal may be a better option...also Nanak+Link:
http://members.dancris.com/~sikh/chap14.html

pig+queen?+why+be+communist+enough+get+a+life+SOS+stop+reading+esp+through+television+
who the fuck are you, amazing image of a+telephoneme+HELP

Jan 31 2006

Wearing a Hood

"The Dog peed on your spade...oh, I thought Mum put it there to be evil"

Post Office:

Queue, 'Stay calm, I'm sure that man wasn't offended because you covered your nose, he walked out because the queue was too long, why did you sit on the floor? remain silent and still, Ha! They have yellow and black barriers here, Harriers, Barriers, (silent giggle) Do they call that Jerusalem team Barriers? Ha! Barriers! What team do they call Harriers? It stinks in here, why can't they put a fan up on the ceiling if it's too cold to open the windows, Barriers, Barriers! (laugh out loud)' Wave my rent card around my face...hit the little table and find a paper and pen, scrawl Beautiful Benefits Beva...

Old Man: "Put your card in the machine" (The card is already in the machine, I whack it a few times to show card is in the machine) "You haven't put in there properly...oh, she is actually getting all this money out to pay rent, red oranges, they're all invading me! ('you think that's my problem?') You can't pay electric here, but next week you will be able to...Go to Smoker's Paradise" 'Oh, yes, they're nice people in there, aren't they, you've got a problem because they are muslims, haven't you?' smile...

"Red!!!!"

Wander off outside...'What a stupid old man'...

"Can I get these men's trainers in a size six?"
(turn the shoe over to look at size,)

Woman in shop: "They are a size nine" ('no, they are a size six')

Try them on, a nice stylish cheap brown autumnal pair...

"Do you have any in a size five, for men with little feet?"
Posted by Rabbi Lars Shalom at 04:09 0 comments
Tuesday, January 31, 2006

How many Galaxies are there on this planet?

And who can answer this serious space between us?

This blog has been a lie...if I were to write the space between us...I am afraid everything would fall down and apart...

if I were to write the space between us and find the ones who have been through this experience I would know they are too poor to tell me everything...this galaxy, and four hundred others, and human forms... a galaxy of giants...a galxy wherein everything you say in one lifetime creates your own reality...

for example, were you to tell your children there were ghosts in this house...then they themselves would become echoes like ghosts, as I wander around to make some breakfast, I hear the echo my brother has left behind from talking to friends and his door is always closed, so I believe he is still there, then wander the empty house and find no-one...

What if, in the space between us, you had once had a memory that your family had been replaced by another family, call them aliens, in the space between us...

Myths know more of reality, than this plastic future does...Myths can be wrong unless you experience spaces in portals between us yourself...

My self is not this self...my self is:

My self knows more than the space between us...
My self is walking in a different uniform and a different body...
And if I were to write the space between us, my ego could make it stronger...and lead me away from standing in queues...

I wonder how you live in that other space, and where did you banish the Edomites?
Posted by Rabbi Lars Shalom at 04:09 0 comments
"Why are you going to New York, T?"

"To take pictures of bathrooms."

Jerusalem
is beautiful and wonderful and I

hope this delayed appointment with zee doctor goes well, I should be rather annoyed, but will keep calm:

Monday, January 30, 2006

Monday, January 30, 2006
He Is In Hospital

forgot to run with the baby in my arms to see someone in the room upstairs, i ran too quickly, after the room of rails of new clothes where we spent a time, picking an orange and green baby grower made of wool in the darkness, spent time holding him in my arms, choosing a brightly coloured jumper, checked with the image of a smiling sun...In the next scene I ran up the stairs forgetting the newborn baby had followed me, saw his face as he fell, as i turned and i ran back down quickly see-ing him lie on the floor, and picked him up and held...and woke up...

UK Guy tried to jump off a cliff the other day...I just got a message from him today...I called him, surprisingly...I had no idea where he was from the message...He is fine, he says, the doctors haven't even given him any pills, he should be out in 28days...It's hard for me to give advice, stay away from TV, have you got any books to read...it's easier being a man in hospital...I never say what I should say, could hear other people in the background, felt like telling him I shouldn't have called him the way I'm feeliung, but I'm 'ultra-sensitive' to anything around me, and 'non-ultra sensitive.' We have plans to go away together if he doesn't end up going to court in the spring.

Stopped my Mum and Dad from getting me out of the house, to go back to the bedsit where I have no electricity, I will concentrate tomorrow on sketching and painting.

Talked to Baby Sister about NerdWitches, she made this up...had a long discussion about it...she described what they look like... really, she has no idea, i found it rather offensive when she described what they look like, because I already know what those she described look like, and I would prefer not to hear them called that, as I assure you they are not... I said what about fat nerdwitches, with piggy noses and big heads being of the male variety? oooohh, nasty and in my head I had another view of female nerd witches, and what about some that talk about material all the time, a whole spectrum of nerdwitches...i.e they don't look like nerds, kid, and if YOU are reading this then you are not a NerdWitch, unless you are spying on me but apparentlt NerdWitches don't go near computers, I told her I never went near the internet in college, for the same reason of believing, It was nerdy...and thought of this one:

Art Therapist; 'You're just childish...' (I'm sitting there sketching, as this is Art Therapy)
(What should have been said:)
'And this sketch, I conclude, looks like a load of goddamn marching boots, or buses...oh shit, what a bitch,... I'm on the phone now, call the government! Call For Peace, this bitch is telling me what's going down!!!!! Call everyone, telegram, pigeons, get this shit out on the subways and streets, we are all gonna die, AIH!!!'.

I gave up going to Art Therapy straight away, after looking at her dire lesbian clothing and wooden necklaces stringed with the teeth of dead Feminists...

...I can't be bothered to write this, I reverted to calling Baby Sis, Itchy and Scratchy, and please shut up, I want to go to sleep, she sang a good song that she may sing at Mass, it was helping me sleep...everything is affecting me...my hands feel like they are disappearing as I type...and my mind can't function until I get my own study...

Yesterday I only smoked 3 cigarettes...today, I smoked more, because,

Yesterday, I immediately woke up when Mum handed me a pill as I fell asleep...the rule is not to take drugs even these ones, full of unmentionable chemicals...I woke up and went downstairs to smoke a cigarette, because...habits form when death approaches on cyclical breaking of energy...dying chakras...unmentionable lack of good manner fucntions...if someone wrote my life, they did not write it very well...the extras seem to think they can form opinions when they really have only been given one line to say...and the main characters are being replaced, yet I am not quite ready to talk to them...I have found new characters such as the girl that works in one of those coffee shops, how do I befriend a main character like that, when extras make her say what she has been paid to say by a different film, with the same soundtrack played to her every day and I hear something else more grown in her...this one isn't a love story, but a rather more interesting, humble womanly gateway...and I need to talk to her when I feel cleaner...

UK Guy will be OK, but I am too scared to visit him there even though my Mum and Dad thought it would be a good idea, but I will call him again soon...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Anthroposophy - A Fragment by Rudolf Steinerby Rudolf Steiner
Buy me this book if you love me....email address available...write to I, will pay half....

creation elevation...I am I

footnote: I apologise, I have been killed again........
Timing is inconcieviably turned outer and broken by series of hard knocks...lack of order....lack of communication...lack of questioning.....my senses are percieved to have been over crowded by those they hold dear when in fact slime crawls through each wall of the tower block....and senses are percieved as sickened sexualness, when in fact life here has been turned upside down...and peace is counter active to what is actually known to be a call...and dispondence has been deaden into ability to strive and repeat what has already been created...words are flowing through and never will creativeness be drowned in poverty or malicious gossip and thoughttrained blocks that walk on legs...assume silence....assume a cloak of organised noble hidden dagger...