Thursday, March 16, 2006

that picture i have, arms out, a face invisible but the body of a mans, and another image of one woman, with her hair flowing, just that image i saw, nothing else...and the rays of snow breaking out of a little heart....it's not a representative it's real

And that night, this week was real and that meeting was real. And she has gone too.

and i have given up.

and it's snowing again

I feel so ill on this pill, i have had to lie down it's only 10 past nine, and i can't even cry properly but i am.

i feel sick, esthanomes arosto...

Saturday, March 18, 2006 All These Crazees

Saturday, March 18, 2006
All These Crazees

another one, in Leicester Square;

'what you want to go back stage?' wobbles, pushes me around a bit towards railings;

'no, i said, i think my friend's gone backstage, i'm trying to find her.'

''what you want to go back stage?'

'no.......['what you want to go back stage?'].......no, my friend......no.'

'Look...You ain't no Madonna!'

So, I walk off without screaming JESUS CHRIST, what the Virgin Mary????!!!!! (don't use the Lord's name in vain), and bare my teeth, at these hybrids wandering in, as i walk outside of the club to phone her.

Cafe in Dingy Town: (on day I break down in council over m y debts)

Imagine someone, I try to say, having a conversation...working in this cafe, bashing cutlery etc, around really loud but trying to keep her anger in...I play zombie, because I do not know what to say to her as many people there, and would still like to be her friend, but;

I hear nagging...so act a bemused, actually intensely perturbed, erm, dude...

'You were giving me eyes!!' bang, crash, hurry...more annoyance from her, so I stand there, quietly and stir my sugar in my coffee at counter, and listen...

Well, I may have smiled at her, sometime;

'You were supposed to meet me after work!!'

Wonder if she has mistaken me for a boyfriend, you know it happens sometime, I remain calm, and go and sit down;

bang, crash!!! I sing some Greek words...poolia=birds

'They told me you were Hebrew!!'

'What, am i married to China now?' still, cold, dudette bitch.

'I'm not from CHINA!!!!!!!!!!!'

.....................well....................

go into another shop, CAN STILL HEAR the banging and crashing of plates outside; served at counter;

'you were supposed to meet her after work'...think; yes, there was a day when i arrived for a takeaway coffee late in the day, and stood around looking in a mirror, thinking, should i wait for her?

BANG CRASH, 'I'm not at work!!!!!! They've locked me up!!!!!!!!!!!'

I notice she has a new haircut, and the manager calls her darling...

.............................................................................

thinking of delivering a postcard to 'the panic attack, scottish nationalist'...woops, hahaha, perhaps this pathetic bout of decision, not being able to think of another word, rather hungover, will work, if i can convince, 'dizzy' 'mature' receptionist to UNDERSTAND that she must work with me in this endeavor and break some rules, in case the docors become suspicious, or actually read the note, which of course is cold and neutral and rather....pathetic. And then perhaps, she will be able to pick up a phone or use a text messaging service, and get into contact with me, if not then, she can write on the second postcard, back to me, give it to 'dizzy' 'mature' receptionist, threaten her that this is only friendship, and make receptionist work harder in this new project which may give extra joy to her own life...

Met another girl in Camden

My friend flirts with me but I am cold...or worse.

This girl has rather piercing light blue eyes and she works in advertising, and is from the other side of the world. But

She is not gay...though i will call her this week, though i have already sent a drunken text, and am not expecting a reply...and we will meet in some place, and I can tell her about the outpatients meeting...to her the number 22 is divine.

And so I am in debt

And I have new trouserjeans bought in the sale, looks like someone with massive thigh tried them on before I bought them, how

embarrassing.

dad

Dad, It's Actually Me and God who are Depressed...

words like that keep jumping out like some kind of tourettes syndrome, like sitting at the table, usually eating dinner alone (yes, I arrive in this house at times when I need to escape, neighbour, have cleaned up flat despite having flu and no electric or hot water for a few days, hm, who dirty the kitchen grime gets around the microwave) I nearly said:

'Mum, I am a failure.'

But, heart to heart words like this never seem to get out into an actual conversation and that is where all the problems lie.

In fact, this whole town has gone mad.

....................to be continued.