Monday, January 30, 2006

Monday, January 30, 2006
He Is In Hospital

forgot to run with the baby in my arms to see someone in the room upstairs, i ran too quickly, after the room of rails of new clothes where we spent a time, picking an orange and green baby grower made of wool in the darkness, spent time holding him in my arms, choosing a brightly coloured jumper, checked with the image of a smiling sun...In the next scene I ran up the stairs forgetting the newborn baby had followed me, saw his face as he fell, as i turned and i ran back down quickly see-ing him lie on the floor, and picked him up and held...and woke up...

UK Guy tried to jump off a cliff the other day...I just got a message from him today...I called him, surprisingly...I had no idea where he was from the message...He is fine, he says, the doctors haven't even given him any pills, he should be out in 28days...It's hard for me to give advice, stay away from TV, have you got any books to read...it's easier being a man in hospital...I never say what I should say, could hear other people in the background, felt like telling him I shouldn't have called him the way I'm feeliung, but I'm 'ultra-sensitive' to anything around me, and 'non-ultra sensitive.' We have plans to go away together if he doesn't end up going to court in the spring.

Stopped my Mum and Dad from getting me out of the house, to go back to the bedsit where I have no electricity, I will concentrate tomorrow on sketching and painting.

Talked to Baby Sister about NerdWitches, she made this up...had a long discussion about it...she described what they look like... really, she has no idea, i found it rather offensive when she described what they look like, because I already know what those she described look like, and I would prefer not to hear them called that, as I assure you they are not... I said what about fat nerdwitches, with piggy noses and big heads being of the male variety? oooohh, nasty and in my head I had another view of female nerd witches, and what about some that talk about material all the time, a whole spectrum of nerdwitches...i.e they don't look like nerds, kid, and if YOU are reading this then you are not a NerdWitch, unless you are spying on me but apparentlt NerdWitches don't go near computers, I told her I never went near the internet in college, for the same reason of believing, It was nerdy...and thought of this one:

Art Therapist; 'You're just childish...' (I'm sitting there sketching, as this is Art Therapy)
(What should have been said:)
'And this sketch, I conclude, looks like a load of goddamn marching boots, or buses...oh shit, what a bitch,... I'm on the phone now, call the government! Call For Peace, this bitch is telling me what's going down!!!!! Call everyone, telegram, pigeons, get this shit out on the subways and streets, we are all gonna die, AIH!!!'.

I gave up going to Art Therapy straight away, after looking at her dire lesbian clothing and wooden necklaces stringed with the teeth of dead Feminists...

...I can't be bothered to write this, I reverted to calling Baby Sis, Itchy and Scratchy, and please shut up, I want to go to sleep, she sang a good song that she may sing at Mass, it was helping me sleep...everything is affecting me...my hands feel like they are disappearing as I type...and my mind can't function until I get my own study...

Yesterday I only smoked 3 cigarettes...today, I smoked more, because,

Yesterday, I immediately woke up when Mum handed me a pill as I fell asleep...the rule is not to take drugs even these ones, full of unmentionable chemicals...I woke up and went downstairs to smoke a cigarette, because...habits form when death approaches on cyclical breaking of energy...dying chakras...unmentionable lack of good manner fucntions...if someone wrote my life, they did not write it very well...the extras seem to think they can form opinions when they really have only been given one line to say...and the main characters are being replaced, yet I am not quite ready to talk to them...I have found new characters such as the girl that works in one of those coffee shops, how do I befriend a main character like that, when extras make her say what she has been paid to say by a different film, with the same soundtrack played to her every day and I hear something else more grown in her...this one isn't a love story, but a rather more interesting, humble womanly gateway...and I need to talk to her when I feel cleaner...

UK Guy will be OK, but I am too scared to visit him there even though my Mum and Dad thought it would be a good idea, but I will call him again soon...