Just A Jack In Black, Baby Sunday, March 26, 2006

Sunday, March 26, 2006
Just A Jack In Black, Baby....Emergency Call

Saturday, yes I lay in bed all day, thinking, trying to write, but my words are terrible in that environment, the footballing congregation outside, the ears, the spies, yep...I hear most of what they are hollering, hearing, saying, shouting, screeching when my windows are open, they hear me, BUT they are dumb and fickle and hear what only they want to hear, (in fact I had another mental conversation with someone, like I'd given them their heart back? I felt terrible, look these people can hear me, fuck off! but not to her, heart? heart? ART she laughed! but I heard someone else outside shout a little boy, a young girl who told him to fuck off, because he said they were killing the Hebrew in him, I shouted out, YOU MEAN YOU'RE WITH GOD!!! AS A WARNING, and he seemed to feel terrible, but agreed, YES I'M WITH GOD!! he hollered, as an old football coach screeched at the players in a green alien grouch grooble shriek, I think this is the same boy, that I hear talking outside a lot, I think he lives in the towerblock, a real cool kid, but I could feel him worrying, and when that girl shouted at him or me, just as I was trying to relax after this conversation, and feeling my heart feel a little more (we are all electric according to a dispargement of a new age idea in the paper, to wiggle your ribs is to get blood flowing into your brain), as this girl shouted at him, IT CRACKED, after I had stopped talking to this woman, Goodnight, I said, and the neighbour (who seems to have lost her boyfriend, and has only one cassette of music that I hear her rewind, and play, but not enough, said you mean 'Goodbye.') and I felt like I was fading away and that girl will grow up to be something like what? a cow??? lol) and my words are not serious and I am almost numb, or, in Limbo...

Though, Saturday night, held nightmarish visions, I cut my wrist mentally, and was told from that little green windchime that twinkles, not to give up my blood, even the thought for me is a personal bleeding...

And the nightmarish visions, first in front of my closed eyelids, I saw shapes forming, as though I was, and of course was see-ing the inside of my retinas, and all the time, 'big bastard' goobles like a large green piece of plasma from the television upstairs...

the visions, 'things' eating human bones, other things I cannot recall, and all the time I lay in bed, still, arms by my side, going through this, neither feeling scared nor in a panic, just floating through it until the end...thinking I need to brush my teeth. AND, my left leg heats up, and my toes are pointing to the painting of doves I have on the wall, the left leg, MERCY right? I twist round into my pillow, and tug at my hair, grinding my 'bacterial' teeth, not so much grinding but clenching, almost threatening to pull my hair out, but knowing i will not, holding my chin with my two fingers and trying to let this all pass.

And at the end of all this, i see an image of a young man, with a neat black beard, standing in a darkened doorway, I see him only breifly, because I can not be sure who he is, though he looks kind, I feel wary from looking too long and get out of the bed I have been lying around in all day, and brush my teeth in the dark, he is wearing a silky golden robe, and a very high golden silky hat, I think first is he the deivl? a priest? perhaps they are called one and the same, I know he looks a little jewish, perhaps. PERHAPS

And then, i take half a pill, ignore all the television and float on the medication to sleep though at first I am scared of falling asleep.

And then today, I pick out randomly again, an excerpt from Romans, that says;

those with Jesus, will SEE HIM.


How do I feel, ? back to normality, a break from a horrible weekend of my own fault, a case of agoraphobia, and not waking up to, hhhmm, or mmm, earlier, I had just thought I should go to church, I had a bath in the dark, a frantic half, relax, half just wash, talking out loud that this was like beign in the army, advising myself, spat on some tissue and cleaned my boots, still the man upstairs and the 'big bastards' on TV, I get dressed in a white long skirt, think should I wear a black one, I am wearing just jeans and white now, but I did not go to church after all, I sat on the bed with an mp3 player and try to close off my mind. Then I read the newspaper, find in a small financial article a section that describes big shopping empires, in the subtext is something that fits into the fact that I should in fact be concentrating fully on writing this properly, not just scared words, childish ones in my diary, but a real story. The subtext, Miss pru comes out lokoing like the pretty girl of the town, but what is the deeper content? something like that....

did I forget to mention, after those visions a man knelt beside me in a field, waving his hands in the air, the two seagulls turned neon blue around their dark wings, and were directed by his hands and my mind into a whirlwind. And a mournful picture of a cow in a skullcap, looking down with a mournful eye...

I tripped out on my first cigarette of the day on Friday, sitting in my Dad's car while he wandered around trying to get my electricity key fixed, (no I can do that! it didn't work, the key that is, we got a little racist, i concluded that perhaps this woman was going mad, so there pigfaced myself, you know things like this happen in small towns, one mistake and it feels like a universal smalltown infection, I said to Dad it was probably that Himmler look, that he had also given me some time earlier that got the electricity key messed around with, paranoia, and nevermind how my family are...I've been in a series of needing to keep away from my family, because even my presence is an annoyance considering I have all these things to talk about, and my Dad is always running people around in his car, and la, Mum says she is getting rid of him some time next year, i do not wish to press this matter any further, becasue it is a silly defilement of the brain...(I mean she says that almost once a year or more, repetition, look It's either that or 'big bastard and goon' that actually sometimes makes me laugh, I don't get angry, or I will end up hurting someone physically, and I met a man that looked like a pyscho killer in the pub, as the landlady was locking the door, (there was actually a real murderer in this pub a few weeks ago, i only went there because freinds were going there, but it's dangerous for me, one of them has invited me to California, this is ridiculous considering we can't even hold a conversation with each other, and she does that sitting on me in the cubicle thing...blahblahblah) I walked away from him and said let me out, nevermind that I've cried quietly a few times this weekend...) listening to classical music, sure she was singing, hysteria, hysteria, sit on your posterior! but I ignored that because that's opera for you, and didn't want to look around at the grey sky and the same buildings I'm so used to, was in an apartment on a balcony, it was sunny, the buildings had a golden glow, and I tried to picture the view, meadows (perhaps purple?, laughed thought yeah, purple hills) and more buildings all glowing gold and summery...