apart from madness, and sitting in the 'Hall' for hours, as social worker went through forms, and threatening me with her 'largeness', I actually began to be polite around her, 'so how long have you been a social worker', blase,...'so, you went through school, college, university.'...smiles... 'I worked in a pyschiatric hospital before that.' 'then you must be tough.' cold, hands together but worried...
I told social worker about her, in a roundabout manner, but acccusingly implying that the 'Hall' will, well, fuck it up. I said that I had met someone outside the outpatients clinic. (I was sure she was hinting something about this before ('oh, and I've been talking to God') The town is, shall we say rather mad, perhaps I should mention the fact that social worker was informed by old bag in job centre that Madonna had made me a lesbian, luckily she seems to be able to ignore all this. She must be tough. (I had assumed she was a former Para for a while.)
'Are you married?' I asked her, no, she is not. I did not wish to press the conversation further.
So, the MEETING: AND THE AFTERMATH OF MEETING>
I'm outside throwing leftover bits of a horrible coleslaw (AGH no-one told me it had coleslaw in it) and pretend plastic bits of chicken sandwich on the little green full of huge trees outside the clinic and hall. I go back in, look at complaints brochure, think to myself i have nothing to complain about, an oldish woman asks me if I am someone, I remember this name as a young girl being murdered in this town a few years ago. No, I am not. I give up, and go outside to smoke a cigarette. I walk past her, as I see her, think she looks dressed well, and in no gay manner, rather normal as she paces up and down. And say:
'Do you have an appointment or do you work here?'
She says she has an appointment, I stand there bored and not a bit nervous, in fact rather almost aggressively disinterested in my upcoming appointment.
She asks me if I have an appointment, yes, I say, but I am early, and I have just been sitting in the clinic waiting room eating my lunch. I pick my teeth.
'Excuse me, I've got coleslaw in my teeth.'
So, I sit down on the broken down wall, and somehow we manage to have a conversation. I feel a bit, I don't know the word, suddenly quiet, as she tells me she has anxiety and panic attacks and agoraphobia and I tell her I have paranoia and schizophrenia. I say I am worried that my she can sense my paranoia, (because I have been having a bad day, and things are affecting my brain). She says she is nervous about her appointment jumping around a little, I say quietly;
'Don't be nervous.'
I move a brick that has been cut out of the wall and shake it a little, she seems to think about that act. I tell her about my constipation, a sideeffect of the pill, she mentions she gets constipation too sometimes.
The sun is shining intensely over her hair and she stands up straight and still looking at me, actually staring at me. And I suppose I am staring back at her.
'What books are you reading at the moment?' I ask her...
She says she used read to read high brow now she likes light and frivilous. I say I can't read anything light and frivilous. Perhaps she is staring at me at a bit, I dunno, but she talks about how she would like to write a book, a book that she could write better than a lot of people, (I think very queitly, arrogant, but I'm like that too at times, and yes I also like to write poetry when I can bring myself too, but it is not very good.
I look down and say; 'oh'...
She tells me about her family that her Mum has lent her a book, I forget what it is called, that she had been a patient for FIVE years, and that this was one of a few appointments. When I mention that I sometimes sit around smoking cigarette ends, by rolling them up, that was what she had to do once when her brother was around and they went out somewhere. I thought all this was cute, I did not bother to mention my family. She had been looking at my legs, because at first (though I had baggyish jeans on and had noticed her clothes too) I could not get comfortable on the wall and ended up sitting in a crosslegged manner.
Some old groan men wander past, she moves to the wall, but far enough away from me, because I smell a little bit from not washing my clothes often enough. And then something else is mentioned, and she smiles a little because I am looking down a lot, and says:
Yum, and then! worried Doctor runs out and says I have an appointment now, and I wander off and leave her without even saying goodbye.
And then that night I think about our meeting and my heart is getting all full and stuff, and she appears but I'm unsure now...As I would like to make clear, a interthoughtfeelingconnected MENTAL soul making of love, well, just kissing. Shit.
So, I have told social worker, she says I cannot get information about people, I say I don't want to, I just want to send a note, and will anyone read it and remember this is just a way to make a new friend, I say without having to say it. She says I can do that, and they probably won't read it. Now, I have to bring myself to getting a life and sending the note. A postcard, 'what book to recommend' (I've written I can't read any books, merely because, they are all driving me mad) and a phone number.
This won't work
3 years ago