Friday 12 September 2008

Sunday, May 21, 2006
Serious SORRIES Disaster Miracles

It's raining all over England you know?

I went to my grandmothers, found a book called A Terrace In The Sun by Cecil Roberts, began to read, whilst talking to Erhu, I sat in her small flat, unable to turn off her television...

Eurovision Song Contest hosted in Athens this was, disaster, the introduction song comes on whilst I am trying to read and ignore TV...Eamon says the planet is like a terry's chocolate orange...the singing is terrible, Erhu likes this song, uplifting, I think the singing is a little off key I ignore her, i read Lovely Bones through (the scene where the woman's husband is dying, and then random sentences as I trawl through it in an effort to concentrate, listen to the singing, read 'stinks to high heaven', look at the silver man standing there, lost and confused 'that's you.' I see Israeli flags being waved around at the end of the song, oh, so this is the Israeli entrance I wonder, Israel must win says the presenter, the other presenter shockingly comes out with 'King Dovid has ordered it.' Now, this was neither in my head nor head by me by anyone else in the room or in the bird telephones...think good as I watch the israeli flags, everyone Israel...get a lift from my Dad, he puts the TV on, this is dangerous I have no where to sit, I am in the process of reading the suicide of a man and the story of disasters that befall royalty, to Erhu whilst she lays in bed...I go outside, carry on reading to her, hear Finland a good speech by the singer, we will win the eurovision is an hilarious song, Adel says through the television they are watching it too,...My Dad's eyes flash white when something makes us laugh, I notice as I look up at him from the book, but I am trying to avoid TV as much as possible, realising there is no chance of a score like this:

Israel winnner 180 points
Ireland 160 points
Eastern European song that was actually good 1140 points
UK 120points even though the song gives me a headache...
Greece again; for a Greek man 110 points

Dad annoys me by opening the back door and then slamming it swiftly shut (which cuts my heart in two too easily) as I sit on the chair enjoying the beginning of this book intensely and talking in Evrit, trying to concentrate, I see him make a dumb annoying face, like 'what have I done?, say something like 'die.'

Men outside promise to vote Israel, some men say Albania has won...I count the liars and the damned men or dumbed men as they drive by, sometimes there could be drive by conversions, hhhhmmm, drive by conversions...Go to bed after everyone else has though for a while it feels peaceful...

Later, disaster befalls, two young women are on the telephone...one is crying, as I lay in bed upstairs, feel intensely guilty...I go to sleep on the sofa, talking to a wife, shooting eyes at each other, I forget the conversation, and then someone I recognise is on the 'telephone'...she is angry, I make it worse by telling her what the men did to me and Erhu while I was in the world above on Friday day, and how it got her in the world below, but I shout too much like a man, and I do ask Erhu again to make love this morning, but people are home in the house and she says my brother has been talking too 'poof', and if I ever do it again she could be dragged down again, yet, I want to remember, and remember the images, and how I brought her out of almsot being a ghost, and saw us both together, real, and remember her words, how they call me a boy, when she knows I am a man, even see myself...and feel her nose stroke mine...as I'm writing this now, men that drive by I can hear picking up certain words, and it still continues to rain...it's difficult to live like this...

Orlando is fine and I have to remember that when he tells me Mummy is crying, why are men doing this? that I have to just relax my mind, and feel love without talking 'Anglo'...

And this girl that is on the telephone I feel break after I shout like a pig to her, and I tell her I love her, and I tell her Goddnight, as I finally calm down sitting up with my head resting on the back of the sofa, I just wasn't expecting to hear her...and Erhu tells me Adel has spoken to her to, I think when I freak out like this she has to heal everything I do, and with Erhu I am almost forgetting, her and the day the sun shone for a while when Atara was born there was no one around to celebrate the birth, here with me...the only solution is go out but my grandmother agreed, that going out in this weather and this appalling situation with the men in this town is depressing, I walk past someone in the street, and say yes I am a black man, I'm too joking, and not even funny, I so stuck with this that I forget how to go and live...there doesn't seem to be anyone around me at the moment, and all these people that fly over have lately been making things feel worse...yet also I feel better, I'm praying so much more, I know Erhu went to pray all day yesterday, and perhaps I talk to her too much and forget Adel, and I am even becoming; 'never get married' to my brother...Grandmother, I mean Nan, great Grandmother, says: she has signed me up for a 'healing mass', I found this funny, and that I should go on a seminar, I didn't go to church today, but I have prayed today...when I go into prayer, I talk quickly, my eyes flash a little round the edges, and I hear my words quietly in another language, earlier I chanted 'men go', without thinking it, or rather breathed it and gently blew my breath out so it spread...so, I DO have a job, and I do have a lot of recompenses due to all these foolish mistakes, mine own a matter of hanging around too much and too passively in the wrong place, letting hearing all this get my thoughts violent, and the mistakes of others that are strangers to me, yet still have a dog's ear for barking at me, like the wolves and the squashed teddy bears face in that music video...and I'm either that woman in the white hood, or the teddy bear mask wearer...

And I get a message, a scream, from another girl, and I put my hands together, and tell her as I put my book down on my chest and Erhu releases her hand from mine, and I lay there, unable to cry with real tears but really am crying, try to explain a few things to her, tell her who I am, that God Loves Her, and that she should go back to school, and I feel light in my heart again as I rest my two hands together above my heart, yet I can't talk for too long because I start to get a ringing in my ears.

My little sister is at church today, I've asked her to pray for her...

And I think my lungs are almost gone...

I've written enough...

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