Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Streams Of Tears and Consciousness

I didn't pray, you know why? In this underground Zion, like in Leicester Square, a man offering tickets said: 'Bacon.' yes, mister, I had been eating bacon consecutively that time for the last few days, a neccessity of needing to eat perhaps you could smell it on me, as I had fried some for my brother before I went out that night, I was deeply annoyed at all the madness around me, so walked off and picked out Ham and Mushroom pizza.

In this Underground Zion, a middle-aged woman dressed in a headcovering, wearing glasses, whispers to my friend outside the pizza shop as I stand there, not even talking to friend as she is even about to flirt with the man behind the counter, a whole catalogue of happy flirting, fine, I'm just not taking part in it...I listen half attentively, thinking, 'why are you not talking to me? when I know you actually are talking to me, and you have made my young friend believe you are insane, and NO, we are not lovers.' I chew on my pizza like an overgrown perturbed and numb young man, and listen:

Something about, how...I have too much attitude...I catch the last words in the sentence, but she is looking down and whispering, friend says little apart from perhaps that's nice, and we carry on on our way, and I do not grab old woman and scream for explanation in her face...

I think perhaps she means not enough attitude...

I have many aspects to worry about, these 'flesh and blood' they are the demons, (see post below) brought up on their own animal instincts, their 'man' views of lesbianism or any other paranicac, a new word, a paranicac attitude of opinion and confusion and hate, or rather sensitive emotion which whenever written down and read out loud is percieved as lesbianism...one has to make a distinction here, there seems to be a monsoon outside...it is getting very dark...perhaps I should not write this perhaps I have so much to say it is best, to 'remain Buddhist,' and keep quiet...

The influx of the cosmos, my job is too remain calm, consider each word of mine, but in my misery I see things are not all well even on one little trip to the newsagent...

I have given my phone number to a Sikh, he does not carry a dagger, and acts rather strangely, I tell him whilst he stands behind the counter taking down my number, having offered to take me out to the Sacred Heart, a temple I believe in this locality...not to call me for a week, the other men in the shop are standing in another aisle, whispering something about, madness...etc...he tells them:

'God has been shattered.' and breaks out of any worry I had of his animalistic attitude.

There is little much I can say here...

Toader:, (I have promised to call my Australian girl when the weather in my mind breaks through, to meet for a coffee, I have already told her how I have visions, but worry it will be hard to meet up with her, I had called her late one night at the weekend, after the stress of the pub night, with tears in my eyes, she seemed quite calm, and just said: 'Call me tomorrow', I liked the way she said that, it was grown and reassuring, I did not call her, my mistake, but a text and an explanation and then another call sober, at the weekend) Toader: a spade that is used to squash cane toads...'you have given me back my Toader!!!!!!!!' WE SHALL SQUASH THE CANE TOADS WITH OUR ART/HEART!!!!

I am not freaking out so much now, mentally, physically...I think my friend's prayer worked...I still need to think and write back to her...