Saturday, April 15, 2006
this is hard for me to write:
I keep imaging myself falling by the wardrobe in my sisters room, collapsing...I hear the dog again, grumbling in his sleep... try to think about the Good Friday ahead, but don't want to think about their death, am told not to.
Something happens, and if you understand a few things about what tey call magic, and God...then...this is so hard for me to write...
I try to think about Jesus, and put my hands together and feel my body full of light, i get confused about hearing the dog, I say to myself please don't have put Jesus in him...
I have visions before I sleep, paintings, pictures in a futuristic 1930's style of demonic animals, a bull lowering it's horns, pictures I'm sure I have seen before, my head starts to feel full, of some kind of light, the dog tells me I am about to meet Dovid...I wonder if he means the old man I have met
'Don't call him an old man, he is a brother.'
I am sooo scared of falling asleep, I twist and turn in bed, at some moment feeling an 'aura' around my heart, but then try to concentrate my mind...I hold a hand to the side of my head, I'm not ready, hear:
'Hold the line..'
I sleep eventually when there are no planes flying over...
Yesterday I wake up...I know that King Dovid has been crying and I repeat this throughout the day...I act normally as much as posible, I wander into my Dad's room where he is sleeping to borrow some socks, he says:
'Kind David was crying.'
I sit around all day in the garden, and wander out twice in the day to buy cigarettes, I have missed church from waking up late...I borrow a bicycle in the front garden, and drive through the puddles, it had been raining that morning, sunny for most of the day, I hear someone talking about Gay men, and I get annoyed just as someone I can hear through the televison picks up what I am saying to myself in the kitchen, I think it is 'daphne', she gets annoyed I forget I heard her yesterday, she doesn't want us to be associated with gay men, and I Don't Want This Man in Me That Changes 'Magically' At Night to be called a gay man, and I don't want Our King to be either...
Alfie, barks in the garden that some people are 'Edomite C**&'...I don't know he picked that up from.
Anyway, I walk to the shop, and wander past an old man, he looks at me lifting two fingers round the dogs lead, and says:
'You got two then....'
I feel better after that, even in this town called Pied Cow, as Zarathustra called it, read the chapter about sleep.
In the shop I feel I should celebrate, for killing two Edomites or Aliens. But I look very proud underneath my scatty hair and my hood, and I get asked for I.D. But I am polite enough just to put the bottle of beer down, and sit in the street against a shop window, the King Of The Dogs occasionally tries to piss on my feet...I smoke a cigarette and think about buying some wine.
I heard a story from The Innuit Ghost, a girl that lived below me in the Towerblock, who used to hear me sing and go crazy at the man upstairs, and other things, I used to read books out loud to her...I hear she has been locked up, this must have been months ago, 'What the F*&( did you do?' I think...she told me about the man she had in her bedsit one night, he was her 'devil' of a boyfriend, how she had been in trouble...I got worried about her for months, which in a way led me to going mad...I think she is in a mental hospital, though I hear after this long discussion on TV, which I stay away from (due to all the energy and 'Other Side' occurances in the bedsit, and my love/worry) that she will be let out soon...for a while I was getting her confused with Daphne, 'They are gonna keep calling us Dykes!!!!'...In fact I worried, aftr Daphne hearing me mumble while I skethced about Dovid crying, that she was going to be locked up, because I didn't realise I would hear again and she had a kind of break, or break out...I was thinking about computers outside a computer shop, how I could have bought her one, or her Mum can buy her one,at the same time as sitting on the bike, 'left break, brake.'...
I wanted to drink a glass of wine...I didn't, I can't write this with distractions...
3 years ago