Painting

Sunday, February 19, 2006
You Told Them We Were Both Gay

so, gas and electricity bills have come up...

each night my ears feel like they are bleeding...perhaps the televisions are too loud...

in fact I felt like I was going deaf the other night from hearing pigs on the television when I was TRYING TO THINK!!!!! I wrote a note and complained to the 'community leaders' reply, that I didn't bother to pick up because I know it would be a negative was...we have our own trouble..with...bitch I told you I was mentally ill....and having problems.


AND NOW THE NOT MENTALLY ILL


Today in the midst of painting I hear something, someone talking, I am dreaming awake and this woman is VERY angry with me...

I feel ill from not eating enough and not having a period since January...(pills of course)

I'm sitting in my kitchen at the table trying to think this through and talk with all the other conversation outside in the Terrorblock...they think I'm a *^&*(&^&star...something something...ANGER...I say something like adulterous

'They Think We're Both Gay!!'

So, I'll get a man then, a calm man...get married...ANGER

'You called me adulterous!!! PIG!!!...and then suddenly she is in my kitchen, and has picked up a knife which earlier I have stabbed being bored and trying to relax while I'm painting...into a purple and white teatowel...so it is waiting there though I had noticed and moved it...blue period towels on innocent smoothie filled glass, randomly placed...

AND SHE STABS ME IN THE CHEST

And I'm already sitting on the bed and don't know what to say or what to do, thinking is this just me? in a parallel universe????nope...I say...

Calm down...

and I feel a calming sensation in my mind, immediately followed by the man upstairs putting his TV on, so I walk outside to try to think and buy more cigarettes, maybe talk To J, in the shop, but there is an old woman there, and she asks for ID to buy one can of scrumpy cider, because I just want to go back home and sit there and drink and try to think about this, and my painting..and it's raining...and I end up walking through puddles without looking and go to my sisters but she's out..and just sit there and all these men are walking past, some russian guys, whatever no-one bothers to talk while I'm texting and phoning...call J, she picks up and says she is on her way to work, and I wonder if she has said what's wrong? but I say nevermind...

And then I end up in that pub, where my books are left...just wanting to relax maybe watch the football, but the men from the shop are in there, and I'm thinking it means IVE GOT NO HEART...and looking at me, and there is an old grumpy conversation coming from the landlady I don't want to hear...and random blasts of music..and I watch the football, but I'm squinting sitting at the bar...and the books are no where to be found...maybe I left them on a bench friday ight...and I had been told NOT to call Pool, but I had rung after going to the cigarette shop, he didn't answer...

And I can't even talk to the Indian guy who keeps getting drunk in his shop and offering me alcohol, I tell him to please not buy me another, half shandy in the pub, and know I should have left after asking for the books...

So, I'm not giving any heart......and I'm wandering round the town in the puddles, thinking I've just been murdered somewhere else...

So, I've been murdered but I'm writing to you.

It's OK...i'm an idiot...

...........

And then I get an upsetting email, that I can do nothing about, which incidently.....

Below is an email ...Some solid brothers and sisters of the Lord are workingthere to share the good news of God's amazing love. They need a supernatural intervention! ________________________________________________________________Dear Friends I have just received a call from Jerusalem and Gaza informingme that this morning we have received another very serious threat. Fewmasked and armed militants distributed fliers around the area where theBible Society's centre is located in Gaza this morning.The flier included the following: 1- A threat to the landlord that if he does not evict us by the 28thof Feb they will blow up the whole building 2- A warning to the tenants in the building that they should leavebefore that date if we are still there 3- A warning for us that we should completely close down ouroperation in Gaza and not to try to relocate as we are being watched closely 4- Accusations that we spread a doctrine against Islam and that weare a Crusaders' evangelistic operation supported by the Crusaders' West 5- A strong worded warning about their seriousness proved by the bombwhich they blew up at the door of the Bible Society last week.

whatever ever happened to One.

I try to follow many religions, but why???? it's come to a standstill...

A woman shouted at me in Arabic, the other day, as she walked out of a friends house with her family...DONT WEAR OUR COLOURS..I was shocked, i think I must have looked like just another emo boy??but her husband smiled at me.....but I just pretended to run away, and pull my hood off... I wanted to say I am wearing the colours of the beloved...

I keep feeling
and blushing
numb numb numb
adnd uncaring......................

need to do something...instead of just sitting staring at a painting gone wrong