Wednesday 10 September 2008

The Free Unfree... May 10/2006

Wednesday, May 10, 2006
The Free Unfree...

two dark...
I had a strange day today that, made me realise the impossibilities of social interaction. writing this unfeelingly, but if I was alone I think I would be crying over this keyboard now, if I hadn't just had a conversation that tells me we are fine, too optimistic for earthly people, and by that I mean I 'met' a man and a woman today, that are too earthly, they have hebrew blood, i know that much now. But I feel as 'Daphne' would have said, a need to meet 'light'...
I sat in a cafe, after talking to Israel who was busy at work, I sat down at a table alone with a coffee in the smoking section, I feel serious and impatient now, a real headache, I feel I do not want to play a game, as these two strangers were miserable, i shall hit the keyboard as hard as i like, little brother...
first a oldish man, with his back to me, telling me he could hear them, I could see he had a beard a leather jacket, and was reading a science book about plants, I tried to talk to him, only in my mind, for a moment I asked him, if he could be King David, through some impossilibilty he said only, that he could hear them...I finished my coffee quickly, too quickly I drink coffee like I'm downing beer...as I walked away I turned at looked, at him, his misery, red all round his crying eyes...as I walked into the shop to buy some paints, white and gold, Or as it is known, I cried, and wandered the aisles trying to just look at things, wandered round in a circle tears in my eyes as soon as I wlaked into the shop like I could see the tears in his eyes, and saw a little girl look at me, and put my arms out and said something about flying birds, I bought gold to add, to a painting like Klimt, or perhaps I should buy silver leaf, when I have the money and paint a huge beautiful piece to the best of my concentration and ability, if I had the environment...
Next I wandered through the shops, a second coffee shop, sat there smoking trying to relax over another too quickly drunk coffee, and a dark haired woman wearing glasses, in her middle age, walks up the stairs and starts telling me she here's them too, but she looks miserable, and I have no idea how to talk to her she is sitting across the room from me, I can feel her in my head, making me ill and floating my hands, being too heavy with the way we can't even talk, telling me about how men don't even talk to her, I say I'm not an agony aunt, and I have spoken too young too, too stupid' with both of them, and they have both told me not to, I tell her I can't cope as I feel about to die, I get a feeling in my mind that hardens and I move my head to the left to let her know she is pushing me down, or rather into a downer, we don't even know how to face each other, it's like I have to take the intitutive, but I feel too young and of course, too light with the need to be around friends and try and forget this for a while, I wonder if she could be Adel, and this is getting worse for me in that moment, she says don't think that, I say out loud,

'they replied' annoyed, exasperated,

...as in she hears them and they talk through her, and she says that they do, she says she can hear Adel asking why they are calling us both Lesbians, why they call us skies, herself she means by that, and I have no idea what that idiocy means, and I have spoken to Adel too much for her to be talking like that through this woman at that moment, unless this woman only remembers what they have been telling her, and that perhaps if I spoke to this woman I think it would be the same, and she looks terribly tired and heavy and intellectual like the old man, but we are the only two upstairs in the coffee shop, I also tell her I will knock for that girl finally as I found out I have been making her cry and breaking her up, and she replies that that would be good...eventually after staring at both the ashtray and the empty cup of coffee, feeling that is all I'm registering I look at her twice, thoguh I almost can't and consider buying another coffee and waiting there, only in the space of five minutes has this cionversation occurred, then I stand up and walk past, yet stop for a moment to see her writing in a pad, and she says I'll bow, and leans forward, and nods down, but she looks almost mad at that moment as I'm biting my lip, thinking please, that's the last thing I want you to do...and I leave, and then sit at the bus stop, and cry again for a moment...

I think perhaps this woman will write a great book...and she will write about how much I love Adel, I didn't even tell her I played a wedding song on the guitar last night, and we talked about getting remarried, and we have, perhaps some of you were there...and remember that beautiful game I invented for Orlando...or perhaps just thoguht of for him...means Land Of Gold, a Virginia Woolf book....

I know if they came back they would be light, perhaps the man heard me when I envisioned what my wife would look like if she came back, healthy, beautiful, bright eyed, not like us three 'freaks' in the shopping centre and my foolish words that were no concilation. On the bus I cried again, wondering if I could have run away with either of them, discussed something, just to get our minds out and be free...

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