Wednesday, February 15, 2006 How I Feel

the opposite to beatitude and back again, sore visions, falling flat in the car, accusations ofswearing under mybreathlast night from aunty as I fall over and hideinthebackof the car likeI use to when they droveme away from the house, remember, to answer 'yes' or 'no' as is saidinthe Testament...'No, I did not swear, you soundjust like my mother'...so after that I guess there was just anOK...text a guy knownas Clayboy telling him I felt sucidal, (but now I don't and am currently relaxing from painting doves and desert flowers,as in which I had a vision of, amongst visions of hellish worry for his women, rocking chairs with no heads, all that I worry action of this painting kind is better than my stilted prayer...I have ventured out drunk onone bottle of water, and had been singing, Yerushalim, at a bus stopas when another worried woman of a much rather older physical age,began in her whiteness to sing too...I had spoken newly to old aquaintances, though as yet in my first lonely venture I felt sick to the stomach, hood up and all,'shouldi wear my glassses or take them off, an array of beauty, which i doth ignore, and do remember...I have thrown myself into a purple lake,and tryto remember the feeling of water splash over me, the dog is allowed to do as he wishes while I concentrate,though he has ripped up a bag of flour,which i have rubbed over my hands and blown, so now covered in snowy colour...i have been through hellish crying visions,back and forth, and pray we shall allagain sing and laugh at the busstop andin the streets, if I were as good a member ofprayerasyou...here is my admitance of sticking imaginary daggers into walls, and falling flat on the kitchen floor, round classical music, and pulling my self up again and holding handstogether...I had called him, throatily, as from a text he said don't do anything stupid...

No, you are the one being stupid, i will see you in two weeks..'

I will go out again, and fiend brains are seemingly female but soon suddenly give free discounts advantage on Art, i see her brain, and another the beauty of an avalonian; worries, but i can tell her with a glance i can wash it off, and what is wrong with weakness in conversation?artists understand these troubles.... ...and vomit does not enter into the game as i feel no blood is arriving on said time, and often feel sick...and make themfeel better, my canvas marching through the shopping mall...my 'please let me relax' to aboy I am newly aqquanted with ...and a feeling i should not buy cigarettes today...water is wine, i do not gamble,

back to beatitude................

I find it hard to read a book through thesetimes, other words jump in i make comparisions...i talk to Tesco workers at the bus stop,'I called him back too'...I didn'ttell the boy in the coffee shop he was 'cooking'my brain...and the oppositeto beatitude is oppitude( partly apptitude)

backto beatitude...............................love