Saturday, April 01, 2006
Good Stuff Even When I'm Crying
I have a conversation during the night, with an 'across the pond' girl I call her, it was supposed to be a moment of prayer but things get silly, when she points a giant transparent finger to my head and says laughing 'your thought patterns are incorrect', and I'm telling her I don't know how to pray properly, and I have no idea who she is, and in my inner compass I can conclude that she is to the west of me, and that it is best to turn that way in the bed to face her, rather than 'break the bond' by turning my back to her, because she would be in that manner talking to my behind, and then cricking my neck round even though, after countless goodnights, and funny brain spasms I have my arms crossed in bed, and my head turned away from her, suddenly interrupted by hearing a man lurking and shouting, in the gardens/garages outside, through the means of an opened window,
'you've put my draw under these numbers' I say, very sleepily, hardly knowing what these words mean, thinking this can only possibly mean that there has been a draw on this conversation interruption, or rather the man outside has 'drawn his weapon' by drunkenly inteferring over my loud 'possessed' laughter, or rather it mean't that I had just been politely ignoring her and thinking about how I need to wash my dirty underwear/drawers when the washing machine in the flat is finally working tomorrow.
I tell her I need her to pray with me, because that had been my plan all along that night, a preparation, only the lines get disconnected and laughing and being a regular 22 yr old is the best thing in this situation, though when real life conversations arrive during the day, they never seem to live up to these ones, and that makes life slightly agonising and she says:
'you know how ( and I catch on and we say this together) to pray don't you, you just put your hands together and........ blow' and I hold an imaginary cock momentarily, drunkenly giggling though not even drunk just on a splash of tia maria and milk mixture, and then I say slightly shocked at that, (lack of control of myself):
'WHAT!! My man wouldn't even do that!!'.
So, I'm a bit peeved about that...sudden penis holding, I don't know where that came from, and really I was trying seriously to pray, and I believed she was too, and got a little flash in my eyes when I told her so, like she was smiling and glad that I wanted to do so, considering a dream I had the night before where I had been led up to an outdoor church, where two men were DJing evil evil trance music, and it was affecting everyone there, and I was being bullied into dancing, so, I just waved my arms about in a manner that could forget the awful music, and just keep a flow, and then my Nan, of all people, sends a shock to my system by stabbing me in the spinal cord with a trident, and I am suitably humbled and wander over to the altar to pray, in my shortened version of this dream. I think this means I myself have given God an overload of reading books and sticking mp3players to my ears, and going to pubs instead of churches. Though I don't frequent them that often now. Anyway, who I heard was probably some ex-girl of mine, though I didn't know ex-girls could be that funny and silly.
So, what, demons, or what, childish sense of humour, I don't fucking know.
But all this noise, and throughout, listening to planes fly overhead and trying to think about lots of things in a form of prayer holding onto my heart, laughter is certainly the best thing, though if I laugh at the wrong words sometimes I feel my heart crack a little, literally, and I am trying to overcome that
and later that night
I can hear
my little sister, in the same room, sniffing as she sleeps, I say to myself:
'her breathing sounds like laughing'
and the little tibetan dog, who has a history of being a blood of temple dog, I believe that is the reason, because he:
talks to me while he snores on the landing outside my door, and it is though Buddha is talking through him, and he tells me my name, a Buddhist name...scared? sacred? And when he says my name, at first I don't understand, I have never heard this name before, but he keeps repeating it at the end of each sentence, and I feel lifted and repeat my own name over and over again, something like that bringing hope and renewal to me for the next day:
And today when he is fighting the other dog in the garden, I tell my brother I am leaving the house to go out, and the tibetan stops growling at the other dog, and says:
'Be careful, Udal.'
So, why am I crying?
Another unexpected disappointing day...I tell most of the people I meet, 'I have been fighting demons'.
Still don't have an electric key, so ate a Chinese takeaway in the dark, after leaving a nightmare of a gig, called neighbour a fag--- in beetween mouthfuls, for having the indecency to switch the television on minutes after I arrive in the bedsit, too much of a brain overload, demons, left the front door open to get some light in, felt very homely actually and had no fear of anyone walking in. Have also been invited to No.-- for a smoke or a drink.
So, hiding away at the parents retreat, helped with carrying a crate of milk into a shop, that I am not a purveyor of. because. also informed shopkeeper about the 10 lesser worlds, and the 'other side' what i has been studying last night and kud have carried on studying.
Standing Still is almost impossible, and a servant's indiscretion costs him his life (what I learnt from I Ching these last few days relating to my new theories, particular chapters I have chosen at random, particularily the one concerning changes of season, the Creative....etc, I am in a moment of healing myself after all this, and tomorrow can only bring me to relaxation, I am almost recovered, and a little attitude helps. No, attitude doesn't help me, especially not if I'm trying to get back into a gig past bouncers, it has repercussions on my soul, I am very tired explaining all this.)
Udal and Alha were two warrior brothers according to Hindi myth and they were to revenge themselves on an evil king, I prefer the Buddhist mantra.
Enlightenment please. ;-)
4 years ago